Right now, Im working on purifying my skin and body, and increasing my digestion as well as my metabolism.

 

So Im practicing this routine....

In the morning, I will drink a cup of Hot ginger tea. (or Warm Milk). Ginger clenses the body, Honey speeds up digestion or, Milk is as good. Basically in the morning, or when you get up... drink a glass of hot water. It speeds up the metabolism.

 

Furthermore, doesn't mean if you dont eat means you lose some weight. In fact, a sudden change of diet, MAY help you lose maybe 2kg in 2 days, but later on, your digestion will slow down, becomes weak and ends up making you fatter because food werent able to be digested faster.

 

Breakfast is the utmost important. In the morning, I eat my breakfast. But at the same time, I watch what I eat. Wether it's Breakfast or Lunch or Dinner or in between... Because what you eat, is what's going to become of you -not only your size, but also your BO.

 

 

Dear Mikami

I have a stomach upset. I drank half a glass of my Chardonnay. Hell... I hate Chardonnay. They ran out of my normal wine and only left with this... hell, I hate it. Been trying to finish it off (slowly). Anyway, I feel like puking now. I dont know how can this happen. I drank after I ate how am I wrong? Uggg... feels disgusting.

 

Anyway, I was just looking through my emails. And I received some sad and grewsome pictures, and an old picture of Brunei. And it really saddens my spirit. I feel like giving up on life. No point in living. Yet, Im afraid of the after life... what's on the other side may be 10x worse. Im scared... why am I created in the first place? Can I say, I wish I never existed? Can I say I wish I was never born?

 

Im born into this world of sorrow, heartache, torture, unjustice... basically Life is so hard to live. What's going to happen after I get out of Uni? Stupid system with higher expectations, can Uni actually guarantee me a job?

 

Anyway... Lets talk about something else for a bit. I had been associating myself with people lately. I just want to know the kinds of people out there, the kinds of environments I have to be prepared for. I cannot affort myself to be ignorant anymore. I have to acknowledge their existance. I have to face these challenges... Or at least they are not so much of my problem right now, but something for me to put into considerations. Something for myself to think about, and to find out a way to counter these issues...

 

However, the more I get to know these people, the more I get sucked into their society, the politics, world of gossips of popular people and what nots... All those nonsense. And there I thought, and hoped, they're normal and nice people. But hell, there are people out there who are just friends for benefits, two faced snakes, hypocrites... afterall, it's a dog eat dog world... It scares me, and saddens me at the same time. Already I had been used, stepped over and abused... I really feel... almost numb from all these bruises now. I want to cry so badly....

 

It's so hard to live, with these kind of people around you. AVOID those who make you look or feel stupid, or ugly or worthless. And I realised... people who had always believed in me were Mill, Bas and Piro... It really hurts. And Im so scared I might lose them as well.

 

Life is so complicated. And almost suffocating. So I took up violin and started to do art, to distract myself from unpleasant thoughts.

 

It really breaks my heart when a friend of mine uses me to get to someone she likes. She kept teasing me over and over... the joke was already over, but she carried on teasing until it actually sounded as if it were true. Putting words into my mouth... pisses the HELL out of me. Anyone that messes with my pride, are basically playing with Fire. It's a matter of time before I expload. Im really really suppressing my anger right now. I may be cool with people making fun of me, or teasing me... it flatters me, but I have a limit. A joke, is a joke. But dont elaborate it. Dont carry on with it. Joke lasts for that moment only, dont drag it on.

 

But what she did was teasing me in the car before we met up with the guy. I KNOW she was trying to get a green light from me before she actually could snatch him off. I mean COME ON! I DONT LIKE MARK! PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY!! God I want to cry so hard... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop teasing me, I dont even like him!!! He's not even my type! Please just leave my life alone... please?

 

I dont have enough sense of humour. Im gullible and Im blur... I dont catch balls most of the time... that's because I take things seriously almost most of the time.

 

I was seriously fine that night they teased me and Mark. It annoyed me a little. But I let it go. But I absolutely hate it when people put words into my mouth. They made it sound like I go after friends/men with Money... as long as they are rich, they are in my list of friends. But most of all, Im looking for a potential man. And that night they made me look like Im aftering Mark's money. WHO CARES THAT HE DRIVES A FUCKING BMW?! I DONT GIVE A SHIT!!! As long as the guy loves me and knows how to take care of me, I dont fucking care what he works as, how much he earns and whom his parents are. Furthermore, people with Status cars care far more for their cars THAN the people they are sending.

 

That night Mark had to send me home. I have no interest in him what-so-ever... so I let him drop me off by the hill. Coz I worry about his car as well. And yeap, he kindly dropped me off there. (At the same time, it was a test... Nope, Mark isnt a gentleman. A gentleman will actually drive on up any nasty hill for a lady. Well, sorry to say... he just proved me that Im right to distance myself from him). We ended the night pretty well and nicely. Parted as friends. So I didnt exactly mind being teased by my friends that night. Since action speaks louder than words. That night proved that Im not interested in him at all. (But then again, even though Mark didnt send me all the way up the hill, he waited for me to climb up the hill until Im out of sight. I thought that was pretty thoughtful of him... So I guess he receives a point there. Unlike most any other they'd just drop me, and drive off).

 

But last night... (the night after he sends me home), we met up again with my friends. Fuck, they went too far. Really really made it look like I actually like him. BUT I DONT I SWEARRRRRRRRRRRRR! I like him, yes I do... But he's NOT my type! He has a Korean gf, he flirts around, plays around... I DONT LIKE MEN LIKE THAT. SO PLEASE just leave me alone.... You guys really ruined my reputation. Ruined a genuine friendship. From the first time I met Mark, I have NO interest in him. I like him, but he's a good friend. And I just want to leave it as that, nothing more... because if I do carry on and push to the limit, Im going to get myself hurt again. Please, last thing I want to do is get myself hurt again.

 

But too late, by now Mark should be thinking... I actually like him. And MOST probably for his money. I would honestly be flattered if he thinks I like him, but not for his money. But Im afraid it's too late, Im pretty sure he thinks Im aftering his money. GAWD I want to kill myself. WHY do they tease me so mercilessly?! I DONT GET IT! WHAT'S GOING ON?! I reall really feel like as if they just ripped my virginity out of me. IM SERIOUS! I seriously feel like I just lost my innocence...

 

Last night, my friend teased me again.... teasing us over and over... I feel as if she's USING me as an excuse to get close to Mark. I mean, HELL... IF YOU WANT HIM, GO AND HAVE HIM! JUST LEAVE ME OUT OF IT! LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY! Im so pissed... so pissed... I want to cry so badly... It hurts OKAY!

 

Do you know why it hurts? BECAUSE I CANNOT STAND ANOTHER REJECTION! Whether Mark likes me or not, I just CANNOT stand another rejection... I would actually date Mark if he actually thinks Im worth it. But otherwise, no way in Hell am I making my move on him. I dont really trust him with myself yet. I dont want to get hurt, that is why I avoid myself... I never really look at him much. And there they were, teasing about us. It's just DUMB! Mark and I had only just met! And he seems pretty flirty and playful... It scared me, and ever since then I barred myself from him. No way in hell he's gonna hurt me.

 

And now... Im so fucking pissed off because I KNOW Mark has no feelings for me (nor do I). And last thing I need is for him to reject me (when in fact I DONT EVEN LIKE HIM). I just hate the fact that a guy thinks I like him, and he doesnt feel the same way (when actually I also dont like him). WHAT THE FUCK LAAAA!

 

Im so pissed off... Im seriously very very pissed...

 

And that night, she really did hog him to herself. What pissed the hell out of me was how she insulted me and made me look stupid... She used me to get to him. Used me as an excuse to get to him... FUCK THIS SHIT LA...

Now that Im single and looking, free from bondages... Im seeing so many suitors... yet Im not seeing a lot of potentials as well... I dont know... Im confused, scared, and Im not really in a rush...

 

Jp is back in my life, he changed after I said I was single again... So far we're both exchanging emails again... It's nice that my long essay doesnt exactly bother him. Even if it does, I dont bother. If he wants to stop emailing me because I talk too much, I dont give a shit too. But basically, he's showing me a side of him I have not ever seen... He's actually funny! Before, he was DEAD quiet and boring... he was basically SO boring! All he talks about are CARS CARS CARS!! And arrgh I got sick and tired... we used to exchange emails a lot, almost everyday when I was still interested in him. I made my effort to tune with him. But after a while, I was courted off by someone else and Jp and I both exchanged emails about... once in a blue moon. He was usually busy, I was usually busy as well. We both just grew apart not coz I got interested with someone else but coz, we were both busy with our lives, and jobs, and plans and assignments...

 

Only recently we got back in contact. And he had been showing me a different light ever since. Also after I said he has a very good sense of humour (almost cynical actually)... He started 'trying' to be funny. 'Trying' to be funny and being naturally spontaneously funny are two different things. I could see he's 'trying' to be funny... But at the same time, they ARE funny as well... I like cynical jokes... they crack me up so hard. He's so miserable, and he complains about random things, it's just so hilarious.. brilliantly hilarious!

 

So, there's Jp... and then there's C. I had known C for about 3 years or so I think... And the first time I met him and knew him... I like him. But because he doesn't have the look, I never really give a thought about giving him a chance. He was just awesome as a friend. But as time pass, I grew to know him so much more... naturally 'looks' just fell apart. Only recently did I start to consider him.

 

I have never clicked so well with anyone as good as with C. I cant even remember a time where we hate eachother. We only got annoyed with one another, but that annoyance leads to excitement. We just naturally end up cracking each other up. Actually I dont remember him laughing at my humour, but he's always challenging me on and on, one after another jokes... We just naturally click. We shared chemistry... so much that I never realised and I had always taken them for granted. I never even noticed him, or saw him as a potential.. I was just very shallow... He's SO ugly... not my taste AT ALL... but all of that fades away when I start to realise, it doesn't even matter!!! I was just ADDICTED to him. I couldn't care less how he looks like. I was just... so addicted to him like a drug. Even when we obviously do not share anything in common, we could both still talk to each other so naturally. I truly enjoy giving him Hell... and it excites me when he balas me balik.. Cracks me up to see him annoyed. It gives me this satisfaction, and accomplishment... And I think for the first time, I could actually say this is a healthy kind of 'love'. Im not even afraid if he HATES me. Im not even afraid what he thinks of me... Because there was this Chemistry already.

 

I dont go crazy or upset if he's not around. I just... I really really like this guy. He gives me good time. But unfortunately... I think he likes someone else, but got rejected. And I dont know what he's thinking ever since. And I dont know if I will ever break it to him about how I feel about him. Last thing I want to do, is complicate our friendship. And so.... Im thinking to myself... "Is it a mistake to let him go?" Does he ever consider dating me, not even once? If he knows how I feel... how wouldhe feel? I absolutely do not want to risk it. This is one risk that I will NOT take. For once, Im afraid to confess. This is definitely one risk I will never consider taking. Because I seriously do not want to lose this man in my life, as a friend.

 

So there was Jp, C... and then there's Ud. Only recently he's hinting at me again... However with Ud, we both want the same thing. We are both sick of relationships, yet we crave for the company of someone... I was just telling him how miserable and lonely I am. How it burns my eyes when I see people around me are pairing up. And he said to me, "You still have me". I don't know what it meant... but the way he said it after that sounds like he's considering me. He said he wants to join me going out with my friends next week. Basically... I dont know how he feels about me... If he were not muslim I WOULD actually consider marrying him. But because he is, we are both only going to date -if we ARE going to be in a relationship. We'll both only be flings... and come to think of it now, I dont want Ud anymore. I dont want flings... because I dont want to end up losing a friend. Even if we ARE in a relationship, it will be an open-relationship. Im like Ud. He is a good man... really really admire him for it. He is the most decent handsome man I had ever met. And I seriously like him... but I don't love him. I like him but I dont love him. And I dont want to end up losing him forever. He has a good sense of humour. Almost flattering and flirty sometimes. He has a cute personality. He is just nice. I like him, really... and it's flattering that he sometimes gives me this strange vibe. He makes Uni a reason to go. He makes me excited with all these little little... hints. He gives me adrenaline rush. I dont know.... we'll see where we go. If we end up together, I cannot imagine myself clinging on him. Seriously I think he's nice... but we dont really have chemistry -yet. We'll see how things turn up. Im completely fine if things do not turn up as expected. I dont really care if we end up together or not. It would be nice if we do, if we dont.. it doesn't bother me much. (Because we are not made for each other).

 

So who else... there are a couple of boys checking me out as well. But I dont want to say who. They are too young for me. Anyone under 18, I have to think 5 times. Unless they give me a very good reason why I should date them, or even consider.

 

But all in all... I have not seen any potentials yet. And yes, I like white people. I go crazy if they have blue eyes... But at the moment... Im done with hunting. Im just going to sit down and enjoy my coffee. This time Im going to wait for him. First come, first served -IF they pass the test LOL... First who pass the test, and can actually tolerate me... and the first to ask me, ey seh~ I will give it a shot.

 

Still, even if I HAVE found someone... I cannot confirm if we would last to the altar... man this is tough... that's one of the reasons why I have lost interest and stop hunting. I just couldn't careless after James. He's coming back for Christmas he said. Or in January he said. Until then, Im not confirm I want to see him ever again. I have not exactly told anyone about what happened between us. Not even here. I don't think I would ever want to talk about it. I don't want to even think about it. I just don't want to talk about James with anyone ever again. Something happened between us and no one knows. Only God, myself and James. I believe it has scared me. And I give up... I have lost all hope and I dont want to talk about it. God, it makes me teary again. Gets me very rigid every time I get the flash backs. Will I be able to face him again in person? I dont know. I dont want to talk about him anymore.

 

That is the reason why I have become so... less serious about relationships now. And the reason why I have been so excited about Art recently. Doing grafitti, designing and decorating, painting and everything... it's to keep me busy and my mind off unpleasant things. I don't want to talk about it sorry. No one knows about this. But to you, my mikami... I'm only letting you know that there's something about me people dont know. At least you know there's something Im hiding. As for my friends, if they finds out there's something Im hiding... and no matter how many times they ask me what happened, Im sorry you will never get the satisfaction of finding out, no matter how much I love you or trust you. Because it will just break me every time I think about it. Every time I try to talk about it, something in me stabs. It's an agonising pain. So Im sorry to say, this is pretty serious to me. Only God knows and only I can heal my own wounds. Learning from my own mistakes.

 

It's another reason why Im so frustrated about relationships now. If you ask me, yes I still do love and want James. But Im sorry it's just not cut out for the both of us. People will keep guessing, friends will think they know the reason.. but trust me, you dont know what Im very broken about.

 

But Im pretty happy Jp is back in my life. I couldn't care less if he lost interest in me or whatever. I just don't give a shit anymore. I dont even care if it takes him A MONTH to get back to my email. It's either he replies or not. But it feels good to be emailing him again. He knows I lost James, he wanted me to tell him all about it; why we didnt work out... but I told him I don't want to talk about it. And we're both in really good terms. I seriously enjoy talking to Jp now. He's pretty much tolerable now... Makes me smile how he tries to be funny... Cheers me up a lot seriously. He's a good company. Handsome and funny... But Im not interested anymore. But if he ever ends up asking me, I don't mind giving us a shot... afterall, I was the one who hit on him first. I was the one who approached him and asked for his number... And heck, look at us... we have been friends for 3 years now... We are good. I decided to keep him as my 'penpal'... Every time I hear from him even when I've already lost interest, he still gets me excited (but not as much as before). He cheers me up in all our spam conversations...

 

Despite my scared heart, life is looking up... Thank you God, for hearing my cries.

Should You Play Hard to Get?

Women are told to play hard to get to pique a man's interest, but does doing so actually work? One dating blogger's guy pals share their thoughts.

 

Let's talk about the question of playing hard to get. My friend Harry Berkely* claims it is always a good idea. "The first rule of relationship fight club: Wait as long as he took to write before you reply to his email, and never write more than he wrote," Harry advises. "I think men who are achievers are always are enticed by women who are harder to 'capture.' If it's too easy, we doubt their worth." Kinda ... yuck, right? (FYI: Harry, 30, is a Harvard grad and writer, whose first novel is coming out soon.)

And yet another friend of mine, a 34-year-old playwright named Smith Sutton, agreed somewhat with Harry — but doesn't think that a woman should assume a completely passive role when she's playing hard to get. "If a woman ignores my text completely one day, yes, that does drive me crazy and get me more obsessed with her. But I like some push and pull. I like it when, on another day, she'll give me the full-court press: texting nonstop, saying she's thinking about me and can't wait to see me. I like it when I feel like she's in control, and I'm in full pursuit."

A number of my other "high-achieving" male friends had different perspectives ...

Like my friend Drew Virginia a 33-year-old architect whom I used to date. When I told him what Harry said, Drew's reaction was: "That sounds like crap." He continued: "Back in my early twenties, yes, 'hard to get' was great. But now, I'm too tired after work, so 'easy to get' is preferable, although I can handle 'moderately challenging' on weekends." He adds: "I dig ladies who will pursue." (Please note that Drew recently got married — and Harry isn't even seriously dating anyone. So it could be that the guys who like women who play hard have commitment issues.)

Some of my other guys friends were even more outraged than Drew about Harry's outlook on the romance game. Take my sexy-yet-sweet pal Kermie Ottawa, 31, who has a big job at one of the remaining investment banks — and is the most unusual finance guy you'll ever meet. He says it absolutely doesn't make him more interested when a woman plays hard to get or makes him do all the work. "In fact, if she seems to be only reacting tit-for-tat, I quickly lose interest," he says. That's the exact opposite of Harry, who recently told me he's been all the more "impressed" with a young woman he's courting because he can tell that she likes him but is refusing to make any moves, except in response to his.

More from Kermie: "I think the woman should be making suggestions from the get-go about what to do next." Drew agrees, saying: "As early as the first date, I think the girl should take any kind of initiative she feels like taking. Who cares, really, as long as we're having fun?"

A fourth guy I know, Dan Thurman, a novelist who also manages a magazine, spoke from the middle ground on this issue of playing hard to get. He admits that sometimes his interest will go up if a woman seems hard to win over — but only if he's interested in the first place. And he says that he finds he pretty annoying when the woman always waits for him to be the one to call, the one to come up with a plan, the one to move things forward. "I don't mind pursuing the first few dates, but I'm not interested in hanging out with a woman who seems to be obviously playing games," he says. Dan adds: "In general, I think mind-games don't work, period. A man wants to be with a woman who is strong and independent — or at least I do — but that's not the same thing, ultimately, as wanting to be played with."

Interestingly, Drew, Dan, and Kermie all said they thought that there was a good chance they'd mistake "playing hard to get" for "not interested."

Drew, Dan, and Kermie all said that they never like to get the feeling a woman is too anxious. As my bud Mike Parkwood, a 34-year-old professor, puts it: "It's a real attraction-killer if a woman comes off like she'll take whatever she can get — and you happen to be her current target. If playing hard to get works at all, maybe it's only because it sends an obvious signal a woman isn't desperate."

I can’t believe I still have James’s curry puff HAHAHA… I call it the curry puff of Lovvvve~ Anyway, He gave it to me last night when he came to pick me up, coz I said I was starving. And instead of eating it, I put it inside my bag (because I wasn’t so hungry anymore. I had oat before I came)

 

 

So moving on… In the car. Boy was it a joy ride~ HAHA… We got lost a couple of times. Not sure if it was on purpose, but it was worth it. We went to Giant supermarket to get some snacks. Boy was Jo hyper XD… she made our day. Basically Jo James and I behaved like a bunch of school kids going shopping. James pulled the trolley while Jo and I butterfly around the place like what lol… We cracked a few kinky jokes. I whispered tp Jo that I LOVVVVE his perfume.. HELL I was getting high. And she did something that I worse feared... she replied me OUT LOUD saying, "YEAH... it's BVGARY Black!" That of course made James turned and smiled at me. I wanted to DIEEEE. I was so embarrassed!!!! And then he purposely leaned down, his neck close to my face so I would have a better view/chance to sniff it out of him. And I did, I responded with a noisy loud "SNIFFFFF" from my nose. (Honestly I smelt nothing. Me thinks it's more like around his body area that gave off the scent). Oh man, one more funny incidence... there was this scenario when I found my Cheetos, a woman was walking so fast in front of me I didn’t see her. I was so focused on the Cheetos that my left hand touched her boob. “Did you just touched someone’s boob?” Jo asked. I didn’t think anyone saw. LMAO… I guess I was caught by the hawk~ haha… “yes I did..” and so I explained, my face turned red and subconsciously my right hand stroked my cheek… it was burning. James had a good laugh. Waaa… laugh at me. How embarrassing. But whatever makes him happy then. I would touch 100 boobies if it keeps him happy. HAHAHA kidding..

 

 

We left the supermarket happy (James paid it all) hehehe…. I felt a bit bad, coz I was thinking I would pay my own share, but in the end James paid for everything. Wow… but it’s only $20 lah.. it’s nothing la.. He’s filthy rich one… Even if he needs money all he has to do is open a music school for beautiful women, and it will be the hottest spot in the continent.

 

 

By the time we got to the parking lot, we forgot where the car was parked. It was so silly. But luckily James remembered the plate number and I spotted it. I was tracing back my memory how we got to the place and vuala!! Found it lol. On man took us like forever to reach Derek's. Derek had to literally text me up to ask if we were coming LOL... and every time we got the wrong turn I think I annoyed James HAHA biar ia... But damn man, he has one hell of a patience. He doesnt even flinch much man. And I dunno how many times I yelled loudly, excited "ROAD TRIIIIP!!!" -on every wrong turn HAHAHAH... cali bah... And what the hell.. he was asking for my direction... instead of looking at my hand pointing beside him, he was looking at me from the mirror (clashed of cultures HAHAHA remember that forwarded email from Bas and Piro about the difference b/w Americans and Asians? it was hilarious!) Basically I was the Asian (Kampung style) and he's the American XDDD cracks me up so hard every time I think about it.

 

 

When we reached Derek’s Pawi was already there. Apparently Jo had to leave with Pawi to buy Volley ball o_o hmm… And that left only me and James. I wasn't ready for the two of us to be alone. I was about to panic when Chun and his gf arrived. Waaaah saved by the Honda.

 

 

Long story short while waiting for them, James showed me a few of the pictures he took on his camera. It was beautiful… unspeakably beautiful… There were a few pictures of him and his friend’s kids… it was so adorable, melted my heart, seriously. He had a superman red cap around his neck, and the kids beside him. He looked SO handsome in the picture. So much younger. He also showed me a picture of him running the race in KL.. he looked hilarious XDDD I think Im going to ask him to send me that picture. It was of him finishing the line. His face was SOO FUNNY... thinking about it now, really really literally cracked me up. He was in such agony. You could see all the emotions in his face HAHAHA! And then he showed me pictures of our local food. Oh my god… I never felt SO blonde until that night. He knew so much more than I do. It was such an embarrassment. And he wont stop teasing me. Palau punya Mat Saleh! *inner joke* Mat Saleh is the malay term for White men. Speaking of which, I should have recorded his english accent on 'simpang'. HELL I love it when he says the malay word. SimPANG.. hahaha! He tried his best to have the slang but fails miserably. I should have recorded it and set it as my ring tone. Sigh... but it didn't cross my mind damn it.

 

 

And then later James played a few songs on his clarinet… he let me tried on his ‘precious’ clarinet… waaaa… I felt so honored. (That stupid read-sucker XDDD *inner joke*) Anyway, he taught me how to place the mouth piece on my lip, and where I should bite it… and then he said “no.. no.. you should put it deeper” I inserted it deeper. “Deeper again” I pushed it deeper.. “And deeper..?” and then- WHAT THE HELL… it finally clicked. Stupid Derek was having a good time laughing his heads off… If only I have a slipper with TinTin’s (His dog) pee all over it, and slap it to his face XD LMAO I WAS SO EMBARRASSED… SO PAISAY MANN!!! Only I can crack horny jokes to people. If people crack horny jokes on me, HELL my face will get so fucking RED! It seriously cracked the hell out of me, but I felt so embarrassed at the same time. Damn.

 

 

Later on, when Jo and Pawi came back… I started to share my sketches immediately while Derek and James were having a duet. I felt so bad… I should have been there listening to them playing laaa apalaaa… I didn’t think James would leave and come join Jo and I instead. Haiyaa… I purposely left so Derek can have a duet bah… But what the heck, James left the guys to join the lil fuss between Jo and I. Actually the art work between us were confidential. In the end Derek pun join hehehe~ Glad Jo recognized Derek’s other hidden skills jua. And then I remember a few times James keep asking me if I need any drinks… (HELL I just remembered I said I love drinking Jasmine Tea.. and he actually bought it AIYAAAAH). Anyways I told him I was ‘good’ and smiled. Balik balik I said the same thing until finally I gave up… and thought, whatever makes the man happy lah! So I said I wanted to try some of his favourite Peach Green Tea jua… And guess what? He gave me the whole cup. Little that I know… it was HIS cup. And it was the LAST pour of the drink… wah liew eh… I didn’t know until I finished it a few minutes later.. I feel sooooooo bad! Even after that he STILL comes up to me and ask if I want more drinks, and I said I was ‘good’ (again). He picked up ‘my’ cup (which was actually HIS cup) and saw it was clean… and he said “This time I believe you.” I still don’t get it actually lol! Dont really get why he said he 'believe' me that time.. hmm.. loss of connection for the moment. And while he was standing there behind me, I had to comment again about his cologne. I really really love his scent. And again he leaned down to give me a better angle to sniff at his neck LOL... sigh... "SNIFFFFFFF" damn he's delicious. (eeeee lol)

 

 

Anyways, what else… trying to remember all the funny moments.. damn man… HELL How could I even forget about the part where he sniffed my 'lingerie' HAHAH... More like he Inhaled through is nose.. sniffed on it so deeeply.. wah lao man.. that friggin turned me on. It was just a baju I borrowed from Jo and I was just returning it. In front of James I teased it's a lingerie XDD He's so funny... He picked it up a few times to sniff at it HAHAHAH it's so SICK! But because it's bekas me wearing (only got smell of saboon cuci baju) I felt turned on XDD baie kali... Until Jo left with Pawi to go somewhere (again), James whispered and asked me, "It's not really a lingerie is it?" HAHAH oh man he cracks me up..

 

 

(later when the rest came back) Chun and his gf left early. Derek and Pawi went outside to discuss about somethings. So it was just Jo James and I. We were cracking so much dirty jokes. And James was sharing with us his songs in his ipod, he even played a few piece of his old old notes on his clarinet. Unfortunately, I wasn’t really that ‘wow’ about the piece. Shet I should have asked him to play me one of his favourite piece! ARRGH! WHY WAS I SO GONG (dumb) ARRRRGH!

 

 

And then he saw me looking at his brochure… and told me that was the concert he played in. And told me he was actually suppose to be playing in this upcoming concert for public but then no jadi because he hurt his back last week (the time I said I went to see him at the hospital). Otherwise he was going to invite us to watch him play he said. Awww…. I felt so touched. He teased me last Thursday (the time we were suppose to meet up Derek and Cyndy at CoffeeBean and then by chance we happened to bumped into him –happiest moment of my life actually…). That day we chatted for a bit and there was this part where I brought up about his concert thing, I was just curious and concern if he was still going to be playing. He said no, and asked me, “Why? You wanted to see me play?” I was like… hell… And I admitted, “Of course!!!” haha~ So yeah, he brought that topic up again at derek’s place that night. And said he actually wanted to invite us to watch. But then now there has been a change of plans. He IS still going to be playing but, it will be in a small number of crowd only, not for public. More like among the teachers, the school I think and the students. And I asked, “so can we still watch?” He said he’s not sure, but he’ll try to get us in he said. But Im fine lah. I was only asking it half-heartedly, because I knew it’s impossible to get us outsider in to watch anyway. I mean come on la… Get real, do you actually think he would actually go that far to get us in? He’s not THAT in love with me. We’re just friends, and that is all we are to him. Just friends… sigh…

 

 

Im seriously going to miss James. He made me feel appreciated. He gives me the impression that he’s a bit pilih kasih as well. It flatters me that almost whatever I say, stops him in his tracks to balas me a comment even though he’s busy talking with someone else. But sorry to say… that sort of attention does not really impress me… It scares me sometimes, because Im not sure how long my significant one can keep up with that. Giving me these undivided attention and all… If it ever works out b/w him and I, will he still be as sweet as how he is now? I don’t think so. Im very sure he will gro weary and tired of layaning me. In the end he will ‘malasku ingau’ on me. I will never forget how he got distracted when Cyndy and I were cam-whoring. Cyndy was trying to take a picture of her and me using her phone (those typical asian profile pictures), James was in the middle of having a conversation with Derek and then he suddenly got distracted, went and kaypo look at how our pictures may turn out on the camera terpulang. Poor Derek. I felt the burn. I actually thought that was a bit rude, defending my brother but at the same time flattered. And I thought, alaaa Derek.. he gets burn once in a while wont die one lah HAHAH… but yeah seriously I felt bad lah. But so flattered James gets distracted by the littlest things. A few times sudah he does that. Gets distracted by something random I do and he HAD to comment on me. (And I always thought he wasn’t paying attention. I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS thought he wont hear or see what Im doing or saying… lol… but I was wrong *as proven countless times*)

 

 

Before the night ended, I summoned up the courage to ask if he could have a picture with me. He came over and guess what…. He sat on my LAP!!! HELLL his back squashed (SQUASHED) one of my breasts!! ADUHHH XD My left nipple sakits… but whatever makes him horny.. I MEAN- happy… HAPPY yes, happy… whatever makes him happy… He sat on my lap… gila baie eh… too bad that didn’t go into the camera XD It was just a tease la. We were both just messing around. And then he came to my side and we did a proper two-some pose *SIIIIIIIGH*

 

And then I demanded we take more pictures… But I wasn’t sure what else to do. Long story short, Jo said… do something la like a farewell pose… literally we waved at the camera STUPID XDDD HAHAH so funny… and then James went, “Oh I know what she wants…” Then he stood behind me and put his arms around me… HELLL if I wasnt in control of my emotions, I would have been turned on by that. SHIT MANN… (Did I mention, I confessed? I took up Bas’s advice and decided to sum up the courage and confess. So basically James knew that Im interested in him since the time we met up at coffeebean with Derek and cyndy). And there he was, he knew exactly what I wanted and hell… it felt good (despite how shitty the picture ended up looking). I look like shit actually, but the memory was all I need. We took the same pose twice. Crap man, the first picture he had one of his hands on my belly (ARRRRRRRRRRRGH of all the places he touched my spare tyre!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH but whatever makes him happy lah, indaku peduli kalau ia suka) And then the second pose was ok lah… Shet man, I was having the time of my life. He smelt SOOOOOOOO good. I was getting high by the minute standing beside him.

 

 

That night Pawi sent Jo home. I wasn’t sure who I was following. I had to literally run after James at the front door to ask if he was sending me. And he said something that was obvious, that he IS sending me (duh). Derek wasn’t helping at all. He ‘duh’ on me, I wanted to pinch Derek’s arse man… palau ah him LOL. While in the car, Jo and Pawi were exchanging faces and silly looks to me. I made a face at them as well. James caught sight of it… eeeks… It was a lil message we were signaling to each other like, “Good one Jasmine! Make sure u do some naughty tricks! Lick him good and-“ and so on… It was just stupid faces and signals lah.. James turned around just in time to see me sticking my tongue out and making faces LOL.. he turned back and saw Jo was doing the same thing lol… I had to quickly cover up, and play ‘innocent’ eeeks…

 

 

On the way back, we didn’t say anything much except singing to my favourite song by U2! (With or Without You) But when we reached the hill of my place… That was where the romantic scene played the last time he sent me home… Again he took off his seatbelt and… Oh my Gad, before he did anything else to me I already opened the door –out of habit. I tend to flea when the biggest challenge comes. And out of habit again, before I step out, I recited the same lines I do with every person who sends me home. And usually I MEAN what I say. But that night, I couldn’t think of anything else… I already had one leg out of the car while I said, “Thanks for the ride, and tonight… and… and…. sigh” Shit man I actually ran out of words to say. I was actually speechless!!! There were so many thing running in my head, but in the end I finished my sentence with, “well… thanks for.. everything.” I forgot what James said to me but I think he was thanking me about a few other things as well or something. And I ended up asking if he had a good look at the other portrait I did of him. I took it out showed him for the last time and he told me that this piece had a lot of wrinkles. He said he likes the one I gave him better. For the third or forth times he told me it’s in his suitcase now. I feel so very flattered actually. So very touched that he actually appreciates it. And I told him, I like this one wrinkle line that draws down from his eyes over his cheeks… He told me it’s his laugh line. I seriously like those lines about him. And then he reaches over to give me a hug. I got smothered in his arms. HELL… But it was nice and heartbreaking at the same time. I kept my cool, said my goodbyes… and kept on walking up the hill… I knew he was still there watching me go up until Im out of sight… Until I was sure he has left, I slowed my pace down. I had tears wellng up my eyes, my legs wobbly, I almost fell a few times on the steps… My heart was very broken that night. I never had so much cigarettes until that night. I was just torn apart inside. I had no one to talk to. It was agonizing.

 

 

That night, I did not text him up. It was the end… We are finished. It breaks my heart so much. I really like this guy…… But lets face it, I don’t think he is my type, despite all the things we have in common. Our goals and interests… I tried so hard to win his favors. I just hope that at least I have left a mark in his life.

 

 

Last but not least, I found the perfume he has been using. It’s Bvgary Black, Jasmin Noir……… You do the Math.

When I look at him in person, I just have to sigh... There's something about him that makes me not stop looking. His eyes are not too blue, which is good... otherwise it would be very distracting. (Because blue eyes drives me crazy). His eyes are in a subtle colour. When I look at James, I feel there's a warmth there. There is this warm feeling in there that makes me feel like... it's Okay to stare. I can't stop thinking about those few times when we just stared... We forgot where we were, we forgot what we were doing... we just got lost into the presence. It wasnt intentional, it just happened unexpectedly, a few times. If I still had my senses, I would have been embarrassed out of my head! I will NEVER NEVER NEVER do such a thing like staring and getting lost into someone's eyes... NO WAY HO ZAY! And I can't believe this happens to me a few times.

 

Dear Mikami, remember the time he tried to impress me by giving me the honour to try his wine? I was the first he poured and I was the first to drink it. I felt a bit bad when he tried to fill my cup to the brim, and I stopped him half-way through. (He was a bit embarrassed. And that burned me. I felt bad I stung his pride by accident). Anyway honestly, I didnt really like the wine at first. But I had to give him face, so I said it was good stuff. I tried to finish it as fast as I could just so I wouldn't have to dread it. Also, at the same time I man up my word, by finishing it. Little that I know he was watching. A few minutes later, he asked if I want another pour. I said... sure. This time I didn't mind how much he'd be pouring. He poured about half the glass as I first wanted, if Im not mistaken. And by that time, I honestly like the taste. I fell in love with the taste. Long story short, basically 1/2 of the bottle was drunk by me. James poured it all for me, so it's not my fault the rest didnt get the chance to try it LOL!

 

Remember the time when he first call me up on the phone, and I was breathless? Oh God, it got him breathless as well. We were practically huffing and puffing on the phone... Not literally, but I could hear the both of us breathing a bit heavily and the nerve in our tone. I was so obviously shaking, it showed in my voice... and his was quite the same. We ended up sounding like fools... It was funny.

 

And do you remember the time when I walked into the ward room, I blushed like hell. I was feeling relieved and joy at the same time. I think happiness just flushed up on my face. His face was a bit pink as well. And the smile he had on his face was just priceless... It's so warm and I almost wanted to hug him and cuddle beside him. I like the way he laughs. It's so refreshed and clean... and... a little tingle in the end. It makes me laugh with him.

 

James was definitely giving me a shot. And I didnt know it. Or was he, really? If he did, then I guess I blew it... :( Maybe it's not too late to patch things up... God I had done so many stupid and rude things... all because of defence... all because I always tend to put a space between me and the people around me. But I will never forget how he said he would not mind having cats in his place...

 

Omg remember the time when he first gave us a lift? HAHA... His car was an antique. Not that I have a problem with the presentation. But more like, I like a person who is proud of what he has and not ashamed of it. Im not really sure how James was reacting but I could feel he was a little bit embarrassed. All I hope for is that, he doesn't think Im a high-maintainance chick. I like dressing up and all, but I like to live my life simple. I prefer to live in a small warm cozy house than a mansion. Anyway... I remember how embarrassed I was when I walked out of Jo's room. I was SO scared of facing James. I had a make-over and I was afraid it might be too much or I stand out too much in a good way. Either ways, I was just afraid to be in the center of his attention. James was speechless and he actually liked the perfume I was wearing. He held the door for me. And on the way to our destination, I forgot what we were talking about... and suddenly he had his hand on my lap. It was just a tease. But I was thinking to myself... OH MY GOD did he just touched my lap? I pretended nothing happened and continued talking, changing the subject and channeled the atmosphere into something more friendly. And when we reached our destination, I broke his handle OH MY GOD I was SOOO embarrassed... I think James was in a more horrific situation, he must have felt worse than me. there goes his presentation HAHA... I was hopeless with the handle, stuck in my place. And I asked him for his assistance. He reached over me and opened the door for me.. XD It was a nice feeling that's all I can say~ HAHAHA... My God.. we are both pawning eachother. Let just say we both have something up our sleeves. For instance, if he planned to molest me, I plan to Rape him! HAHAHAH!!! Im not as innocent or safe as I look honey... You'll better watch your back when Im around XD If I were a guy, tonight you will get pregnant. XDDD kidding kidding~

 

 

ok what the hell? I miss him.

This is dumb. This is STUPID! Damn it, I miss him. I can't help it.

He's probably hasn't even thought about me. God this is SO shit.

I can't stop thinking about him! My head hurts. I tried to rest, but it's still in my head!

I tried reading.... nothing helps. I tried watching movies. He's still in my head.

-okay maybe not as bad... but I still misses him!

I DON'T WANT TO MISS HIM.

I wish we had a chance. I wish we had a shot.

I miss him.

I miss seeing James.

I miss talking to him on the phone....

I miss him so bad...

The only way to stop this, is by seeing him or talking to him.

But I cant text him.

And I don't have what it takes to call him.

basically the contact between us, has been cut... since the day I called it off.

I miss him so badly now...

But we cannot go back. At least I can't... because he belongs somewhere else.

 

Im going to try this new road...

I will take on Din's footsteps and soar up high.... I can only have so much to dream and hope. I truly admire his determination to achieve something... I really miss that time of my life.

 

Once again Im inspired to 'rule' the world. So much to do, but so little time. I want to understand the astrology, how the clock ticks and how things work... I want to understand the universe. Im not being poetic, but literally I want it all. I want to study these thoroughly... Church people will ask me to read the Bible itself. I have to say, the answer to the universe lies in the Bible... BUT even the most wise person will not be able to come up with all the answers in the holy book. It has to be studied over and over... One has to be active enough to get out of the world and explore the unexistance... The things that are not of this world... Things that are unseen to the naked eyes... One cannot ignore its facts and existance. A wise person cannot affort to be ignorant.

 

I want to study the Satanic bible. Why do people choose to go to hell when they have a clear choice to be saved and go to heaven? It's just like asking a smoker to quit smoking. Or maybe there people have already given up... the typical mind-set, "Im going to Hell anyway". Many people have given up and joined the Dark side. So many weak minds and so little warriors. So many warriors, yet so many traitors. The world is a continuous twist and turns... over and over, there is a pattern formed... It can be calculated and measured... It is after all... science, and the influence of the world... Everything comes together to form such beautiful chaos...

 

Now to understand the universe, one has to break the components down into different individuals. The understanding of the astrology, biology, chemistry, physics, histories and archeology, theology, psychology, sociology, philosophy, ...and so on... Furthermore, Im studying witchcrafts, palmistry, ancient chinese face-reading, and the beauty of martial arts... Studying the body not only mentally but also physically. Moreover, Im planning to take up music as well. The beauty of harmonising with sounds... Conducting the so called noises into something that of relations to our lives... The artless beauty of chaos... The beautiful chaos... Luceifer.

 

Im obsessed with the "End Times". Judgment days... The mystery of the end of times. The end of our mother Earth, could it be the end of the universe too? I don't think so. But Judgment day... what is judgment day... is it real? Calculations are right, signs are showing but couldn't be the same signs showing when evolution started in the prehistoric times? The evolution and revolutions~ When Computers and technologies took over the world and many lost their jobs. THe revolution where women started to rise up in the business world. Men and women are working side by sides now. Tripping over the revelation of AIDs... and Cancer that kills thousands of people... Aren't those signs too? How come judgment day didn't happen then?

 

Judgment day... The end of times... where times stops... Where the sun will burn and destroy the solar system... what happens then? Will the universe still exist... I believe the Sun may destroy our solar system and cease our existance, but the universe will still exist... there are planets that's bigger than the sun. What is judgment day? Is it going to only happen to Earth only? When the mother earth dies, what happens after that? Or is religion only made and written by men, that It is only an ancient Law to keep people civilised. So pray tell me, does God still exist?

 

Once again, Im back on my saddle... seeking for the truth. I was distracted, the Devil is one cunning son of a bitch...

 

Speaking of the planets... I now question. So is this why science is a religion too? THe reason why people are agnostic. Is there even such things as God. Or are religions just an ancient law, to manipulate people into believing they have a purpose in life? Giving them roles and benefitting the beorgeosies, proletariats, and basically the Ruling class people... The Elit people...

 

The world is a complicated place.... And I cannot affort to give up this time.

Dear Mikami,

It's okay to suffer. It's okay 'not to have life'. It's okay to say 'No' every once in a while to your friends when you think you cannot live up to their expectations. Because in this life, it's just going to be about you alone.

 

You came into this world alone. And you're going to leave the same way as well. That is, alone.

 

So I will advice you, to start being independant. I hung on to so many unnecessary things in life. And these things pulled me down. Dear God, please give me time to heal my wounds. The hurt I get over and over... I need time to pick myself up, train my spiritual life to take lead of my remaining dignity. I really really have had enough of these continuous fighting. Fighting for love and affections... I know now that I had been looking at the wrong place for love. But loving Jesus is HARD... I cant see Him, I cant feel Him physically.... it's hard for people like me to find the things I need...

 

And I know I have to let this go. I have to let go of this 'need'.

 

God help me, I just want to be single and not feel so sad about it. If I could, I want to be happy being alone. I want to lead my own life, achieving all the things I want to see done and fulfilled. But emotions drag me down. Distracting me and pulling me away from sanity... God help me...

 

I have so much to do... *to be continued*

10 Things You Don't Know About Liars

Your guy probably doesn’t realize how much info he’s spilling just sitting there — but you will, after you read these insider tips.

 

1. Their Legs Say a Lot
If a guy wraps his legs around the legs of a chair or stool, it's an indication that he's purposefully holding something back — like the truth.

2. They'll Give You Pause
Ask a simple, straightforward question — say, "Where were you last night?" or even "Are you cheating on me?" If there's a long pause or he repeats the question before answering, that's trouble.

3. Their Thumbs Betray Discomfort
If he's standing with his entire hand in his pockets — in other words, his thumbs are in, not out — he's feeling nervous. It's up to you to figure out why.

4. They Can't Lie in Reverse
If someone is telling a story you find fishy, ask questions that force him to relate events in a different order. While a person who's concocted a false story can tell it in a,b,c,d order, he'll often find it almost impossible to tell it in d,c,b,a order.

5. They'll Shrug at Odd Times
If he's saying something definitive — "I was with my buddies last night!" — while shrugging one or both shoulders, watch out. The movement indicates that he's subconsciously remaining uncommitted to what he's saying.

6. They Have Big Buts
Listen for phrases like this: "I know you'll think this is strange, but..." or "You're not going to believe this, but..." Chances are, whatever comes next is a lie.

7. Their Tongues Don't Lie
If you ask someone a question and he momentarily flicks out his tongue or licks his lips before answering, he believes he's about to get away with something.

8. They'll Hold Your Gaze
Sometimes a liar is so intent on proving his sincerity he'll stare into your eyes for an uncomfortably long time, trying to prove to you that he has nothing to hide.

9. They Can't Adapt
Just as a liar is unable to reverse the order of events in a falsehood, he also has trouble adjusting when one component is disproven. So if you're able to irrefutably call him out on one facet of a lie and he still refuses to change his story, you can be pretty sure that the rest is B.S. too.

10. They'll Give You a Hand
A liar doesn't want you to examine what he says too closely. And so he'll often unconsciously bring a hand to his face — to scratch a nose, or rub an eye, or stroke a chin — in an attempt to "block" the words as they're coming out of his mouth.